


A Time To Build Up, A Time To Break Down

by kurtcountertenor



Category: Glee
Genre: Cheating, M/M, Reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 04:20:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/635046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurtcountertenor/pseuds/kurtcountertenor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(This is a sequel to my fic A Question of Timing, and you should definitely read that one first. This one won’t make much sense without it.) Kurt and Blaine tie up loose ends and figure out how to navigate their relationship after getting back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Time To Build Up, A Time To Break Down

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to JudeAraya, my wonderful beta, for her excellent comments and suggestions.
> 
> Spoiler Warning: Spoilers for the name and role of a character who has been cast in Kurt’s storyline for 4x11. Everything that happens between Kurt, Blaine, and the other character in this story is entirely my imagination, not based on spoilers.

Blaine woke up to find a sleeping Kurt still draped over him. He stretched, as much as he could, and brought his free hand to rest on Kurt’s back. Sunshine filtered through the thin white curtains of the hotel room, and Blaine blinked a few times, adjusting to the bright light.

Last night had been unbelievable, beyond his wildest dreams, but tendrils of doubt were starting to creep into Blaine’s mind. Kurt might not want him once he’d really thought about it. Blaine tried to steel himself for possible rejection, but it was impossible. He’d let himself truly believe that Kurt wanted him back. If he changed his mind, it would kill Blaine all over again.

It would still have been worth it.

Maybe he shouldn’t touch. Maybe he shouldn’t hold Kurt close like this, knowing that Kurt might not want it when he woke up. But Blaine was trapped under Kurt’s body. There was no way to get out without waking him. He tried to focus on every tiny detail of Kurt, memorizing him all over again, in case this was the last time he’d ever be in Kurt’s arms. Blaine could hardly stand that thought, but he made himself think it, because it might be true.

Kurt shifted, waking up, and hummed happily. “Blaine,” he said dreamily, and Blaine started to relax again. Kurt rolled onto his side, pulling Blaine with him so they were facing each other. “Hi there,” he said, smiling broadly at Blaine.

There was so much to say, but it was all too difficult, so Blaine went the joking route. “Did all that really happen last night? I can’t even believe it.”

Kurt’s eyes sparkled. “Hmm, well, we appear to be naked in bed together, so the evidence suggests …”

“Surely there must be some other explanation,” Blaine said. “Maybe I fell in the hotel pool and got hypothermia, and you saved my life by warming me with your own body heat.”

Kurt laughed pleasantly. “Yes, that’s probably what happened. But if I saved your life, I at least deserve a kiss, don’t I?”

Blaine could hardly believe it. He’d given Kurt the opportunity to back out, but he hadn’t taken it. He seemed to have not a shred of regret about last night, and now he was even asking for more. Blaine leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips.

“Mmmm, I’m so addicted to kissing you,” Kurt said.

Blaine kissed him again, longer this time, a hint of an open mouth. His heart was speeding up, god, could this really be true?

“Enabler,” Kurt said, teasing him.

“I’m just as addicted as you are,” Blaine said, and then they were making out for real, with tongues back and forth in each other’s mouths and hands grabbing and breathy moans against each other’s skin. Blaine’s fears disappeared in the joy of the moment. It was impossible to worry about anything while Kurt was kissing him.

This should feel incredibly emotional, Blaine thought. It should feel like overwhelming relief and excitement and desperate longing, the way it had last night. But it didn’t. It just felt _normal_. It was a peaceful, quiet kind of lovemaking. The comfort of two people who have known each other for ages, who know each other’s bodies and hearts and souls but who right now are just _enjoying_ each other, enjoying being together. It felt like the summer before New York, like the happy hours they’d spent lounging in Kurt’s bed while Burt and Carole were away at work, after Finn left and Kurt hadn’t found a job yet, when there was nothing to do but cuddle and play and let their pleasure in each other block out the uncertainties of the future.

The calm was better than the intensity of last night, Blaine thought. This—simple and together and comfortably happy—this was a forever love. He slid his hand down, over Kurt’s ass, and pulled Kurt toward him, rocking his body in a slow rhythm. He was getting hard, pressed against Kurt’s thigh, and he could feel Kurt’s cock twitching against his stomach, too. Blaine nibbled gently at Kurt’s neck, and Kurt hummed happily in his ear.

Kurt licked his hand and then reached down, and Blaine felt Kurt’s fingers on his cock. Blaine’s eyes rolled back in his head with pleasure. Kurt shifted a little and put his hand around both of them together, his own cock warm and perfect alongside Blaine’s. The rough friction of Kurt’s hand without lube was just right, so tender and sweet. The two of them and nothing else, this was all they needed. _God_ , it felt so amazing Blaine could hardly stand it.

Blaine opened his eyes and found Kurt watching his face intently. “I love you so much,” Blaine said softly. “There aren’t even words to tell you. This is just … perfect.”

“I love you too,” Kurt said.

Blaine watched Kurt quietly, reveling in the details of his face as it changed from expression to expression, all of them happy but each with slightly different nuances. His face was so unbelievably expressive, Blaine could often learn everything he needed to know just by looking carefully. Kurt’s eyes searched Blaine’s face, too, and Blaine wondered if he was doing the same thing. He didn’t try to put on a show, just let himself feel and react and make little noises until Kurt came, his eyes squeezing shut and his mouth open in a silent gasp as he spilled hot all over his own chest and Blaine’s. He was so beautiful. The most beautiful man Blaine had ever seen in his life, and with that thought, Blaine came too.

“Mmmmmm,” Kurt said a few minutes later, cuddled against the side of Blaine’s body. “I don’t care how gross we are, I wish I could just stay here in bed with you for the rest of the day.”

Blaine laughed. “The hotel will charge me for another day if we stay past eleven. But I think it might be worth it.”

“I can’t, though. I’ve barely seen my dad all weekend, and I fly back to New York tonight. I really need to get going soon. Especially since I have to shower again.”

“I’ll miss you.” Blaine pouted a little, but tried not to be overly dramatic.

Kurt cocked his head to the side. “Why don’t you come over, spend the day at our house?”

“I don’t want to intrude on your family time,” Blaine said.

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous, Blaine. You _are_ family.” He rolled over and stood up, stretching, and headed for the bathroom.

Blaine watched him go, incredulous. Were they back to this already? One minute they weren’t even dating, and the next they were family again? Kurt seemed so certain, as if everything were back to the way it had been before. As if nothing had happened to them at all. Questions churned in Blaine’s mind, about how to act, what to say, whether this was too good to possibly be true. He lay back on the pillows, thinking while he waited for his turn in the bathroom, but he found no answers.

\----------------------------------------------

“Kurt!” Burt called out from his recliner when the front door finally opened. He was a little bit angry that Kurt hadn’t called the night before to say he wouldn’t be home, but Kurt lived in New York now and Burt figured he wasn’t used to answering to his dad for every decision about where to go anymore. He’d probably gone to some afterparty at Rachel’s or Mercedes’s and hadn’t wanted to wake his old man just to tell him that.

Kurt walked in, with Blaine right behind him. They were holding hands. Kurt looked happier than he’d been in months, but Blaine seemed kind of stunned, as if he wasn’t sure whether he was dreaming the whole thing. Kurt called out a greeting, and the two of them dropped hands to take off their coats, but not before Burt caught them exchanging sweet little smiles. So Kurt hadn’t been out with the girls, then. He’d been with Blaine.

He’d been with Blaine.

Okay, Burt told himself, steadying his breath. Don’t think about where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing. Think about the fact that _they are clearly dating again_.

Why was it so quiet? Burt wondered. The angels should be coming down from heaven to sing a halleluiah chorus. Kurt and Blaine were back together, they’d finally realized that love is not something you just throw away like it’s nothing. It was exactly what Burt had wanted for his son, his wish for Kurt’s happiness, and he was beyond thrilled for him.

He shouldn’t appear too overjoyed, he reminded himself. This was Kurt and Blaine’s thing, not his. Maybe they were trying to take it slow. He didn’t want to rush them into anything or make them uncomfortable, because that could easily backfire. Maybe they didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

Suddenly, Burt remembered that Kurt had been talking about a boyfriend the other day. His eyebrows shot up to his … well, where his hairline would have been if he had one.

Burt got up to hug Kurt, ignoring his protests. “I’m not an invalid, Kurt. The doctor even said I should get some light exercise. Standing up is not going to kill me.” He wrapped his arms around his son and turned to whisper in his ear. “Can we talk? Privately?” Then he pulled away and shook Blaine’s hand heartily, clapped him on the shoulder. “Good to see you again, kiddo.”

“Kurt invited me over for lunch. I hope I’m not imposing …”

“You’re always welcome here, you know that.” Burt smiled at him. He was never quite sure whether Blaine lacked self-confidence or was just ridiculously polite.

Kurt took over the situation, as usual. “Blaine, I was going to make a pesto sauce for the pasta salad. I got a recipe off the internet, but I’m sure it’s not nearly as good as the one you made for me last summer, do you remember? Could you show Carole how to make it? I’ll come in and get the rest of the stuff ready in a few minutes, okay?”

Blaine glanced from Kurt to Burt, plainly aware that he was being politely sent away. “Sure, no problem,” he said, walking to the kitchen to join Carole.

Burt went back to his recliner and flipped off the TV. Kurt followed, sitting on the couch.

“So,” Burt said. “You and Blaine.”

Kurt looked down, but it wasn’t enough to hide the smile that spread across his face. It looked like he couldn’t help himself. “Yeah. Me and Blaine.” He looked up at Burt. “I missed him so much, Dad.”

“And what about this Adam guy you were so excited about yesterday?”

Kurt blushed, his smile disappearing. “I’m going to break up with him,” he said quickly.

“Mm-hmm.” If Kurt was embarrassed about it, that meant he already knew what he’d done wrong. This was one of those times when you don’t lecture, you just let your kid talk.

“I know I should have broken up with him first. But … Blaine was right there, and I couldn’t not … I just wanted everything to be back the way it was, and I … I don’t know, I’d say it just happened but it didn’t. I did it on purpose and I guess I shouldn’t have, but … honestly, I don’t even feel that bad about it. I’m just so happy to be back with Blaine. Does that make me a terrible person?”

“Not terrible, kid,” Burt said. “Everybody makes mistakes. What matters is learning from them and then putting them behind you. Not dwelling on them and letting them ruin your life. You and Blaine, you two have something really special. Throwing that away would be a much bigger mistake.”

Kurt looked over to the kitchen, where Blaine was chopping basil and chatting with Carole. “I love him so much, Dad.”

Burt nodded. “That don’t mean it’s gonna be easy,” he said. “Listen, Kurt, this is … this is more important than the sex talk we had a few years back. This is the marriage talk.” He held up a hand to stave off Kurt’s protest. “I know you’re not getting married right now, but I’m gonna tell you now. Because it’s important before then, too.” _And just in case I’m not around when you marry him._ Burt took a deep breath. “Relationships are hard. They take a lot of work. Being in love doesn’t mean it’s any less work. But it’s what makes the work worth doing. You’ll run into problems. Figure them out. Don’t just give up. It’s worth it.”

“Okay,” Kurt said. “I get it. This is … yeah. This is for real, now.” He paused, but Burt couldn’t think of anything else to say. “I think I’m going to go help them in the kitchen now, if that’s all right with you?”

“Sure thing, kiddo,” Burt said. He watched Kurt walk up behind Blaine and wrap his arms around from behind, peeking over Blaine’s shoulder to look at the pile of chopped basil before he excused himself upstairs to change his clothes.

He kept an eye on them as they prepared dinner and then as they all ate together at the table. It felt like family, even more so than Christmas had. Partly because Carole and Finn were here too, this time. But mostly because Kurt was making eye contact with Blaine now, allowing himself to be happy around him. Blaine was still casting careful glances at Kurt, silently begging for attention and approval. When Kurt noticed, he gave it just as quietly, a gentle touch here, a smile there, a whispered word. Burt wondered how long it would take Blaine to get his confidence back, and how long Kurt would put up with this level of neediness without going nuts. They could work it out, he thought, if they knew what they were aiming for. But they were so young, still. Did they know?

Burt made sure to catch Blaine alone for a moment later in the day. Blaine looked at Burt, startled, when he said his name to get his attention. The poor kid looked like he thought he was about to be yelled at, even though Burt had never been anything but nice to him. “Promise me one thing, Blaine,” he said.

“I’ll never hurt him again, I swear it,” Blaine said quickly.

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Burt said. “Anyway, you can’t promise that. All you can do is try your best. But here, this you can promise. Kurt loves you like crazy. He loves you as much as any person can ever love someone else. And he’s never going to stop. All I want is for you not to forget that, ever.”

Blaine wrinkled his forehead. “Okay,” he said hesitantly. “That’s all?”

“It’s important, kid. You forget that, everything else goes to hell.”

“Yeah … I see what you mean. Okay. I promise. I won’t forget.”

“Good.” Burt nodded definitively. He couldn’t think of anything else he could do to help them, after this. It was in their hands. But he was fairly confident they’d do okay.

\----------------------------------------------

Adam groaned and rolled out of bed. He didn’t know who could possibly be knocking on his door this early on a Monday morning. He could have slept for hours more. His first class wasn’t even until noon. But when he looked through the peephole and saw Kurt standing there, he grinned and threw the door open.

God, he was gorgeous. Movie-star hot, honestly. Adam was seriously lucky to have caught Kurt before he realized how attractive he was. Six months from now, when Kurt figured it out and realized how many guys were chasing him, Adam wouldn’t have stood a chance. He wondered how long it would last before Kurt got bored and started looking for someone new. A couple of months, maybe? That would be a decent amount of time. Adam usually moved on pretty quickly anyway, though Kurt was such a sweet and interesting guy that maybe … Well, he shouldn’t let himself think about that, because Kurt would be long gone before things could get serious, he was sure.

Adam leaned up against the edge of the door. “Hey there,” he said, winking. “Our date was supposed to be at 7:30 PM, not 7:30 AM, but I understand if you couldn’t wait to see me again.” He turned and sauntered into the tiny kitchen of his cramped apartment, giving Kurt a nice view of his ass. He filled up the coffee maker carefully, pouring in enough for two cups. Best to keep Kurt waiting for a minute, try not to seem too eager.

When he turned around, Kurt wasn’t smiling. He’d stepped into the apartment, but the door was still ajar, as if Kurt were planning to leave right away. _Shit_ , Adam thought. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

Kurt looked composed, as if he’d planned what he was going to say. “I’m sorry, Adam, but it’s not working out between us. It’s not you, you’re lovely and I had so much fun with you. But it’s just not meant to be, in the long run, and I …”

Adam cut him off. “Is this about your ex, back in Ohio?”

Kurt looked down at his feet. “Yes,” he said softly.

“You slept with him, didn’t you?” Adam kept his tone casual. It really didn’t matter to him, at least not very much. “I figured you probably would. It’s okay. These things happen. Old habits die hard, you know? You don’t have to break up with me just because of that.”

Kurt looked back up at him, surprised and … possibly scandalized? Adam found his expressions difficult to read, a lot of the time. They seemed to flash across his face too quickly. “But I … but we …”

Adam reached out and touched his shoulder reassuringly. “Look, don’t worry about it. I went out on Saturday night, too, to that really rowdy club I was telling you about before, and I may have gotten myself a little something in the bathroom there. So we’re even. No harm done, okay?”

Kurt pulled away from him, horrified. “You _cheated_ on me?”

Adam laughed out loud at the hypocrisy, he couldn’t help himself. “As if you’re one to talk, after what you just told me! Seriously though, Kurt. We’ve only been dating for a month. You were out of town, it’s not like I chose someone else when I could have been with you. And I was pretty sure you’d be getting it on with your ex anyway. Which, apparently, you were. So what is the big deal? I didn’t take him home or give him my number. I didn’t even hear his name, it was so loud in there. He’s not a threat to you. Just let it go, everything’s fine. Now that you’re back we can—”

“Stop it. Stop. We’re done here.” Kurt pivoted on the ball of his foot and headed out the door.

_Shit_. “Kurt!” Adam called after him, hanging onto the door frame and leaning into the hallway. “Kurt!” It was useless. He disappeared down the stairwell without another word.

Adam went back inside and closed the door. He opened a cabinet, found a clean coffee mug, and banged it down on the counter. “Fuck,” he said to nobody in particular.

\--------------------------------------------------

Blaine answered his phone in the school parking lot, walking from his car to the building. “Hi Kurt,” he said cheerfully, a thrill running through him at the idea that Kurt had called just to say hello on the first morning they were apart.

“Hi.” Kurt sounded miserable, and there were traffic noises in the background. Blaine wasn’t sure what to make of this.

“What’s wrong, Kurt? Are you outside? Why?”

“Yeah, I’m on a park bench about a block away from Adam’s building.” Blaine blinked. He hadn’t known the name of Kurt’s boyfriend before, and was a little bit startled to hear it. It made him seem like more of a real person, somehow. A person who they’d hurt, not on purpose, but not by accident, either. But Kurt was still talking. “I broke up with him, and Blaine … he cheated on me. The same night I was with you, he was with some other guy.”

Blaine had no idea what to say in this situation. He was at the doors of the school now, so he moved off to the side to be out of the way of people entering. “Wow … Gosh, I’m sorry, Kurt.”

“It hardly even hurt when he told me,” Kurt said. “I was shocked, but … I never loved him, so it’s easier to let him go. But I love you, Blaine, and that’s how you hurt me so much. When you …”

“I know, Kurt,” Blaine said, a lump in his throat. “I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again. You know that, right? I swear, never again, I’m yours always, from now on.”

“Blaine … he wasn’t even sorry. He acted like it was no big deal, like it was nothing to break up over. I cheated, he cheated, forget it and keep going on like before. And now I’m thinking … is this normal? Is this just how life is? Everybody cheats, all the time? I mean, how many of our friends haven’t cheated or been cheated on or been the person someone was cheating with? You’ve cheated. I’ve cheated. Maybe this is something that you just have to accept and deal with. Live in denial, or prepare to be hurt, or get to a place where you don’t care, somehow, I don’t know. Maybe it’s better not to be in love, so it doesn’t hurt so much, if it’s going to happen anyway.”

“No, Kurt, no …” Blaine slumped against the brick wall of the school building. Kurt believed in romance and happy endings and forever. And Kurt had made him believe, too. He couldn’t bear to see Kurt become jaded like this. He needed Kurt to believe in that ideal, because Blaine drew strength from that. Kurt made him believe true love was not just a fantasy, but could be a reality too. “I only need you, Kurt, nobody else. We can do this, you and me, forever.”

“Blaine … I know you believe that. But forever is a really long time. And what if it’s not you who slips up? What if it’s me? I’ve done it before.”

“No, Kurt, you haven’t. You never cheated on me.”

“But I cheated on Adam, which is the same thing.”

“It’s not the same thing,” Blaine said. “You know it’s not.”

 Kurt laughed bitterly. “I thought it wasn’t. But now I’m not so sure.”

“Kurt …” The school’s warning bell rang in the background, cutting Blaine off.

“Shoot, Blaine, I’m sorry, I didn’t even look at the time. I don’t want to make you late for class.”

Blaine shook his head, and then realized Kurt couldn’t see him. “It doesn’t matter, Kurt. You’re more important than any stupid class. If you need to talk, I’ll stay and talk.”

“No, I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m just … thinking out loud or something, I don’t know.” Kurt took a deep breath. “We’ll talk about it later, okay? When you come to visit. I think it would be better to talk about in person.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I have to get to class, too. Remedial dance clinic. Most NYADA students have been taking ballet since they were two years old, and I cannot keep up.”

Blaine tried to laugh, but it came out sounding halfway to a sob. “I think your dance moves are fantastic.”

“Yeah, well, tell that to Cassie July. I’ll call you tonight, okay? I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Blaine dropped his phone into his bag and sighed. Kurt was hurting and he wanted to find some way to fix it, but he couldn’t think of anything. He headed inside the building, skipping his locker so as not to be late for his test in first period history. Not that he’d be able to concentrate on the questions after this anyway.

When they talked that night, Blaine was curled up in bed, wearing his favorite pajamas. He held the phone in one hand and absently petted Margaret Thatcher Dog with the other hand. “Are you sure you’re okay, Kurt? Do you want to talk about it more?”

“No, I’m fine,” Kurt answered. “It was just a little freak-out on my part. I’m fine. We’re good. Really. I don’t really believe any of that. And I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called you and scared you like that.”

“No, I’m … glad you called. I want us to always … talk. About stuff.” It sounded lame in Blaine’s head. He hoped it didn’t sound quite so lame to Kurt.

“Yeah. Okay. Let’s talk about something happy, okay? What are you singing for Regionals?”

\------------------------------------------

Blaine hesitated outside the door to Kurt’s apartment. He was precisely on time. His flight had landed exactly as scheduled and there had been no wait for a cab, so here he was. Kurt should be inside, waiting for him to knock, excited to see him again.

Blaine couldn’t help but think of the last time he’d stood here, alone outside of Kurt’s door. He’d been filled with shame and guilt then. Holding a huge bouquet of roses that he knew could never make up for what he’d done, but he couldn’t think of anything else to do, anything else to bring, any way to say he was sorry in a way that could possibly come close to making things right between them. He’d been so terrified. He’d known what was coming. Known there was no way to avoid it.

He was terrified again, now. Not because something bad was about to happen. He was terrified because he was so uncertain. He had no idea what to expect from Kurt when that door opened. He’d spent the whole plane ride telling himself everything was fine, but he could not shake the doubts. Blaine wondered if he’d always feel this way—uncertain, desperately seeking reassurance from Kurt, jumpy in his own skin. He wanted to find his way back to confidence, but he didn’t have any idea how to get there.

_Courage_ , he told himself. He reached his free hand up to knock.

Before he could, the door rumbled open and Rachel almost bowled right over him on her way out.

“Oops, sorry!” Rachel said. She gave him a quick hug. “Hi! How are you? I’d love to stay and chat, but Kurt says I should have left an hour ago. I’m spending the weekend at Brody’s! It’s a staycation! Kurt said I couldn’t be here.” She winked at Blaine, but she didn’t stay around to see him blush.

Kurt moved into view, coming from the direction of the kitchen. “Hi,” he said shyly.

“Hi,” Blaine said, still standing in the hallway. He hadn’t technically been invited in, after all.

“Come in,” Kurt said. “How was your trip? Do you want anything? Water? Coffee?”

Blaine stepped into the apartment and closed the door behind him. It was awkward. Of course it was awkward. You don’t invite someone to another whole state to come have sex with you and expect it not to be awkward. “No, I’m good,” he said. He held out the paper shopping bag in his hand. “Here, I brought you something. Not a present, exactly. Just a … thing.”

Kurt lit up, always pleased at a gift. But his expression changed to confusion when he opened the bag and pulled out the box inside. “A Lego set?”

“It’s not just any Lego set,” Blaine said defensively. “It’s the Lego Hogwarts Castle! I ordered it like a month ago and it was out of stock, and it finally came in a few days ago, and I thought I’d bring it here, maybe we could start on it together … maybe I could leave it here and finish next time I visit, and …”

Kurt kissed him on the cheek. “You’re adorable. I love it.”

Blaine blushed. “I know, it’s kind of dumb. We don’t have to …”

“No, we should!” Kurt said. “Let’s get started, can we do it now?”

They sat on the floor, side by side, and dumped the bags of pieces on the coffee table. Blaine started to arrange the pieces into neat piles by color and size, while Kurt picked out the more interestingly shaped ones and examined them, making guesses about where they’d go. By the time Blaine reached for the instruction booklet, Kurt had already assembled two of the mini figurines, Dumbledore and Harry Potter.

“Stop it, Kurt! You’ll mess something up and we’ll have to take it apart and do it over again!”

“Oh, come on. I know exactly what Hermione looks like.” Kurt snapped Hermione’s hair onto a head and took a long look at it. “Wait, is this Hermione’s face or Professor McGonagall’s?”

“You’d know if you would read the instructions!”

“Instructions are boring,” Kurt complained. He gestured to the first page of the booklet in Blaine’s hand. “What even _is_ that you’re supposed to start with?”

“Looks like the bottom of one of the towers, I guess.”

“Right. You work on that, and I’ll put Hermione together.” Kurt reached for one of the Griffindor shirt pieces, and then stopped. “She’d look so much better in this green thing …”

Blaine looked over at where Kurt’s hand was hovering. “Kurt! That’s Voldemort’s outfit!”

Kurt sighed and picked up the Griffindor shirt and a pair of legs with black pants. He snapped them together. “Do you ever wonder what Dumbledore would look like without the beard?”

“Um … no?”

“I wonder if he ever shaves. He’s a wizard, he could grow it right back if he didn’t like it. Actually, I bet he doesn’t even need to shave. I bet there’s a spell for that.” Kurt picked up the Dumbledore figurine and waved around its wand arm. “Expelliarmus facial hair!”

“Kurt!” Blaine sputtered. “That is not a real spell! That doesn’t even make sense! It’s expelliarmus because it’s about expelling someone’s _arms_. Their _weapons_. Facial hair is not a weapon.”

Kurt’s mouth twitched at the edges, like he was trying not to laugh.

“I knew this was a bad idea,” Blaine said.

“No, sweetie, this was the best idea ever.” Kurt climbed into Blaine’s lap, sitting sideways so that Blaine was forced to support him with one arm behind his back, and kissed him.

“You don’t think it’s childish?” Blaine asked.

Kurt punctuated his words with kisses up Blaine’s jaw line. “It’s never … too soon … to start reliving … your childhood.” He licked Blaine’s earlobe. “Besides, I think you are very …” another lick. “Very grown-up.” Kurt sucked Blaine’s earlobe into his mouth, biting at it the slightest bit. Blaine groaned with pleasure.

Kurt whispered directly in Blaine’s ear. “I want to take you to bed.”

“Now? It’s the middle of the day.” Blaine realized that this was a ridiculous thing to say, but his brain was not exactly firing on all cylinders at the moment.

Kurt turned his head to look at his sleeping area, the curtains open. Blaine followed his gaze. “When I bought that bed … and those pillows, and the sheets, and the comforter … I was thinking about you. About what I would do to you in that bed. What you would do to me. And then when you finally came to visit …” He stopped himself and swallowed hard, then looked back at Blaine. “I never brought Adam here. Because … all of it was supposed to be for you.”

“I …” Blaine didn’t know what to say. Kurt mentioned Adam so freely, as if Blaine was supposed to not care at all. But Blaine still felt a little sting of pain, knowing that Kurt had been with someone else. Even though Blaine knew he had no right to complain, none whatsoever. Even though Kurt was saying that he’d saved this special place, not let Adam into it, because he wanted to keep it for Blaine. Even then, just hearing his name hurt a little bit. Even with Kurt looking at him like he was everything in the world. Blaine wondered what Kurt thought of his time with Adam. Whether it was a happy memory, or whether he regretted it. He wasn’t sure if Kurt would ever tell him about it, or for that matter, whether he wanted Kurt to.

Kurt stood up and offered his hand. Blaine reached up and took it, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet, then slowly guided across the apartment until they were standing beside the bed. Kurt took a moment to draw the curtains closed, though of course nobody else was there. The fabric of the curtains swayed slightly. It felt like a magical, secluded space, almost outside of time and place. A space just for the two of them.

Kurt moved to stand in front of Blaine, just slightly inside his personal space. He reached up to finger the top button of Blaine’s shirt. “Is this okay?” he asked softly.

Blaine nodded. He stood still as Kurt undressed him, reveling in the attention and care Kurt gave him. Kurt’s fingers seduced him, running slowly over his clothes and then under them, peeling them off carefully. His breathing quickened and his pulse raced, watching Kurt look at him with … it seemed almost like worship, it was so intense and quiet. Blaine let Kurt guide him down to the bed after he pulled the covers back. He allowed himself to be laid out, naked and uncovered and already hard, with Kurt sitting fully dressed on the bed beside him. He felt vulnerable, exposed, but safe. Always safe with Kurt. His heart swelled at the thought.

Kurt ran his fingers down Blaine’s chest. “So beautiful, love,” he whispered. He bent down and kissed Blaine on the mouth, slow and lingering, before getting up to take off his own clothes. He pulled a condom and lube out of the bedside drawer, then lay down beside Blaine.

Blaine felt like he could see straight through Kurt’s sparkling blue eyes into his soul. All Kurt’s love and all his fears laid bare. All his ambition and his uncertainties. All his desires and inhibitions. Kurt, who put so many walls between himself and the world, let them all fall away for Blaine. Blaine reached out and cupped the back of Kurt’s head, pulling him back for another kiss.

They hardly broke eye contact at all. They watched each other with a sort of awe, their hands moving slowly on each other’s bodies, hardly any kisses because that would make their eyes lose focus. Kurt looked down for just a few seconds to coat his fingers with lube, and then looked back to Blaine’s eyes as he slid a finger inside.

Blaine drew in a sharp breath and arched his back, but he kept his eyes open. It was tight, even just one finger. It had been a long time, almost half a year since he’d been with Kurt like this. But it felt incredible, the perfect stretch, the drag of Kurt’s finger inside him. He heard Kurt’s breath quicken, watching the way Blaine was responding to him, and Blaine smiled.

Kurt added a second finger, his eyes locked on Blaine’s the entire time. Blaine felt completely exposed like this. He was naked, of course, but it wasn’t that. He was used to being naked around Kurt, and as wonderful as it was, it rarely felt like this. And anyway, Kurt wasn’t even looking at his body, only his eyes. But the expressions on his face … he must be seeing as much in Blaine’s eyes as Blaine was seeing in his.

Kurt’s third finger slid in, and Blaine let go of all his remaining defenses. The stretch sent shivers through his body, and he let himself feel every emotion, hoping Kurt would see it all. His pleasure and his desire. His love and his hopes. His regrets and his half-healed heart, all there for Kurt to see and touch. He watched the small movements of Kurt’s eyes, reading Kurt’s face while Kurt read his, and everything else in the world dropped away.

They didn’t speak when they changed positions, Blaine aching for Kurt’s withdrawn fingers. Kurt sat back on his heels and put on the condom, coating it with the extra lube already on his fingers. He reached for Blaine and pulled him up facing him, into his lap. Blaine lowered himself slowly down onto Kurt’s cock, eyes locked on Kurt’s.

With their bodies together face to face, they were as interlocked as it was possible to be. Their eyes never strayed for an instant. Their hands pressed on each other’s backs, pulling even closer. Every nerve in Blaine’s body fired with the intensity of their connection. It was as if they became a single person, not Kurt and Blaine but _kurtandblaine_ as one, here in this sacred space where the two of them were the entire world. They were in front of and behind and inside each other, moving in perfect rhythm, seeing themselves in each other’s eyes. They were silent, everything between them already shared without need for words. They seemed even to feel each other’s pleasure. Their tension built together and the climax hit them together, shaking in each other’s arms and finally breaking their eye contact only to collapse into each other.

They fell to the bed, hearts pounding, breath starting to slow. Though their bodies were still tangled around each other, the distance crept back in, inexorably, each of them returning to themselves.

“That was … wow,” Kurt finally said.

“Yeah. Wow.” Blaine was kind of surprised that he remembered how to speak.

Kurt reached into the bedside drawer and pulled out a washcloth and a pack of moist towelettes. He began to clean himself off, and then started wiping Blaine’s stomach, too. Blaine wanted to poke fun at him for being so prepared, but he didn’t want to spoil the mood entirely, and it was rather nice that neither of them had to get up, so he let it go. When Kurt finished, discarding the trash in a little pile on the floor, they cuddled back around each other happily.

“Isn’t it amazing how many ways there are to have sex?” When Blaine realized how that must have sounded, he added quickly, “I don’t mean positions and toys and stuff. I mean like … moods. So many different ways I can use my body to tell you I love you. It can be desperate and frantic, or it can be calm and peaceful, or it can be incredibly intense, or it can be fun … they’re all so different from each other. And that’s not even counting when it’s not with someone you lo—” Blaine bit his lip and looked down. He really had not wanted to bring that up. He’d shattered everything again, bringing that into this sacred space that was supposed to be just for the two of them. How stupid could he possibly be?

“Do you still want to talk about it? About the guy you were with, I mean.” Blaine looked up at Kurt, startled. Kurt was calm, if a little bit unsure. He didn’t seem angry or upset at all, still stroking Blaine’s hand gently with his thumb. “You said you wanted to tell me … but that was a long time ago, maybe you don’t want to talk about it anymore? I keep thinking about it … I try not to, and … I know it doesn’t matter, but sometimes I just can’t help imagining … what happened, or … what you were feeling and thinking … I don’t know if knowing would make it better or worse, so … I think just … it’s up to you. If you want to talk, I’ll listen, and if you don’t, that’s okay too.”

“I … I kind of do want to talk about it,” Blaine said. “I told Sam a little, but he doesn’t really get it. But … I don’t know if I can say it to your face. It’s too hard.”

Kurt smiled at him sympathetically. “Maybe if you don’t look at me, then? You can sit here, lean up against me.” Kurt sat up and leaned back against the headboard.

Blaine didn’t understand how Kurt could possibly love him _this much_. How Kurt could be willing to be Blaine’s shoulder to cry on when the very thing Blaine wanted to talk about was the thing that had broken Kurt’s heart. He moved to sit in front of Kurt, facing away, and tentatively leaned back onto him. Kurt slipped his arms around Blaine’s waist and pulled the blanket up to cover them. It was warm. Comfortable. Nice. Kurt kissed the back of Blaine’s shoulder softly, and Blaine relaxed a little bit more.

“Tell me?” Kurt asked softly.

Blaine took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He hoped he was not making a huge mistake, but he needed to let it out and he didn’t want to have any secrets from Kurt. He began to speak, slowly at first and then faster as he went along. “After you moved to New York, I was lonelier than I thought I’d be. No … not lonely. _Alone_. I felt like I had no friends left in Lima at all. You were gone, and so were most of the guys I used to hang out with. Mike, Finn, Puck. Rachel. Wes and David were off at college, too. I felt like there was nobody left there at all. No matter what I tried to do … Artie named me the lead singer of New Directions, and I got elected class president, and I joined all these clubs … it should have been enough, but it wasn’t. I still felt … invisible. Like nobody could even see me. I knew in my head it wasn’t true, but I felt like it was anyway. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Almost like claustrophobia, when your brain tricks you into thinking the world is closing in around you and there’s no air, even though everything is perfectly fine in reality. I knew in my head that you loved me, but I couldn’t _feel_ it. I don’t know why. It seemed like you were just … gone. That’s so confusing. Does that make any sense to you?”

“It makes sense,” Kurt said.

Blaine opened his eyes, but he stared into space, not focusing on anything. “This guy friended me on Facebook. His name was Eli.” He felt Kurt twitch against his skin, just the slightest bit, at hearing the name. “He didn’t even list his last name. I’d never met him before. I think he was one of Sebastian’s friends and saw my comments? I’m not sure. But he started flirting, and … it seemed like someone finally _saw_ me, you know? Like I wasn’t invisible after all. And I was just so desperate for someone to pay attention to me. So when he invited me over to his house, I … I went.” Blaine dropped his head down, ashamed.

Kurt tightened his arms around Blaine’s waist, comforting. He kissed the back of Blaine’s neck softly. “I should have noticed something was wrong,” Kurt said. “I should have paid more attention and seen that you were hurting, and I should have helped you. I’m so sorry.”

“Kurt, you’re not the one who should be apologizing here.”

“When you’re hurting, I want to be there to help you,” Kurt said. “Even if it wasn’t my _fault_ , exactly, I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, and I should have been. Because I love you.”

“God, Kurt, how can you even say that in the middle of this story?”

“Because it’s true.”

Blaine leaned his head back against Kurt’s shoulder. “Are you sure you want to hear the next part?”

“Not sure at all. But tell me anyway.”

Blaine snorted, an almost-laugh. “It didn’t help, being with him. Because he didn’t see _me_. He just saw the outside. And that’s even worse, somehow. He … we … god, Kurt, I’m so sorry.” Kurt nuzzled his face into the curve between Blaine’s shoulder and neck. It felt soft and sweet and encouraging. How could Kurt possibly be so selfless, Blaine wondered. He had to just keep going, get the whole thing out there. “We … I’m so sorry, Kurt. We made out and took our clothes off and we … we just jerked each other off, I didn’t … but it was … god, all I can remember is how horrible I felt afterward. And even while I was there, I felt ... I knew I shouldn’t be doing it, and I knew it wasn’t making me feel better on the inside. I knew I could just walk out and leave, but I didn’t.” He was crying now. “I didn’t, and I don’t even know why, and then afterward, everything was just a thousand times worse than it had been before. Because that’s when … I think that was the first time I realized exactly how special this thing is that we have. Had. How much I really, truly love you and want to spend my life with you. You’re the only one who _sees_ me, the way I was talking about. But I’d just destroyed it. You were going to be gone for real, and it was my fault, and I’d betrayed you and hurt you and it was all my fault and it was for _nothing_. I’m such an idiot, and I am so, so sorry.”

Blaine was turning around, Kurt was turning him, somehow, and they were facing each other again and Kurt was kissing him on the mouth, open, wet, sloppy, and _such_ a relief that Blaine couldn’t even breathe. He tasted the salt of tears, and he didn’t know whether they were his or Kurt’s or both—probably both. Kurt was crying too, and helping him lie back on the bed again. Blaine didn’t know what this was, why Kurt would do this, why Kurt was whispering, “Shh, love, it’s all right, I’m here now and we’re together and it’s going to be all right.” Kurt should be yelling at him, screaming and calling him horrible names for what he’d done. Blaine could deal with that, he deserved it and in a way he’d expected it even though Kurt never acted like that. But this, Blaine didn’t know how to deal with this love and sweetness and caring, because _he did not deserve this_.

“Kurt, I’m so sorry, _so sorry_ ,” Blaine said through his sobs.

“It’s okay, baby, I forgive you, and you need to forgive yourself.” Kurt was holding him tight, pressed up against his body and stroking his hair gently. Blaine could feel Kurt’s tears on his forehead, and _god_ , Blaine would never understand how Kurt could love him like this.

\-------------------------------------

When Blaine came out of the bathroom after showering, he found Kurt sitting on the floor holding a half-built Hogwarts Lego tower, frowning at the instruction booklet in concentration. Blaine walked over and sat down to join him.

“It’s kind of neat, once you get into it,” Kurt said.

“It’s going to look so cool when it’s finished.”

“Yeah.” Kurt set the tower down on the coffee table and leaned his head on Blaine’s shoulder. “I missed you.”

“While I was in the bathroom?”

“While we were broken up.”

“Oh.” Blaine hesitated. “Do you … want to talk about Adam?”

Kurt sat back up, not leaning on Blaine anymore, and looked at him. “I don’t, like, need to talk the way you did. But it’s not a secret. If you want to know about it, you can ask and I’ll tell you.”

Blaine looked down at his hands. He was dying of curiosity, but it seemed like a horrible thing to ask. Kurt had just invited him to ask, though. “You, um … you did sleep with him, right?” Blaine snuck a glance at Kurt’s face, but he didn’t seem surprised or angry at the question.

“Yeah, I did,” Kurt answered evenly. “A few times. Not right away. But, yes.”

Blaine swallowed down the pain that he had no right to feel. He took a deep breath. “I want to ask … are you glad that you did? Was it … dating someone else, was it a good experience, or do you regret it?”

Kurt didn’t answer right away. Blaine ran his words over and over again in his mind, hoping that they hadn’t come off sounding bitter or angry, or fishing for reassurance. He was about to open his mouth to try to take back the question when Kurt finally answered.

“I’m not sure yet. It was … while I was with him, it was fun and exciting and great. But in retrospect it seems different. Now that I know we weren’t on the same page about what the relationship even was, or what the rules were. I guess maybe I should have known better, or been clearer, or not gotten involved with someone like that in the first place, no matter how exciting it was that someone was interested in me. But I don’t know. Maybe I should just call it a learning experience and move on. I don’t think I’m done processing it in my mind, if you know what I mean. But it was … I guess it was good. It wasn’t bad, so it was good, right?” Kurt looked at Blaine with a half-smile on his face.

Blaine chose his words very carefully. “Good, because I wouldn’t have wanted you to have a bad experience.”

“I wish …” Kurt bit his lip. “I kind of wish I’d never had the opportunity to date someone else. I would have rather been dating you the whole time. But since I wasn’t … I guess it was an okay substitute. For a while. You’re way better.” He smiled mischievously.

Blaine blinked, wondering whether that double entendre was intended. “Well, I guess it’s okay, as long as I’m better. And bigger.” _Oh my god, what had he just said?_

Kurt grinned. “You’re _way_ bigger. He was tiny. Miniscule. Like this.” He held up a brown Lego brick, about an inch and a half long and two pins wide.

Blaine cracked up. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“And he had smelly feet, and a hairy ass. Also bacne.”

“You would never date anyone with bacne.”

Kurt laughed. “I love you.”

“Would you still love me if I got bacne?” Blaine gave him a mock forlorn look.

“Trust me with your skin care products, baby. I will never let that happen to you.”

\-------------------------------------

They went out for the afternoon, reluctantly, because staying in the whole day seemed like too much. After all, they were in New York and Blaine had barely seen the city. They took the subway into Manhattan and walked around, people-watching, peeking through store windows, imagining what it would be like next year with both of them in New York, carefully not talking about whether they’d live together or apart.

Kurt took Blaine to a favorite coffee shop of his, but the line was out the door. “Do you mind waiting, and order for both of us if I’m not back in time? I have an errand to run right down the street.” Kurt smiled mysteriously, and Blaine nodded, thrown a bit off balance by the request. He watched Kurt stride purposefully to the end of the block and across the street before Blaine lost him in the crowd of pedestrians.

Kurt hadn’t reappeared by the time Blaine was at the front of the line, so he got the drinks and then miraculously snagged a table with two chairs when someone got up to leave. Kurt came in a moment later, looking very pleased with himself. He sat down and took a sip of his mocha. “Perfect, thank you!”

“And what have you been up to?” Blaine asked.

Kurt bit his lip, then looked around to make sure nobody was paying attention to them. “I was going to give it to you tonight, but no use in waiting, I guess.” He pulled a small red box out of his pocket and set it on the table in front of Blaine.

Blaine’s jaw dropped. “Is this … it’s not …?”

Kurt shook his head. “It’s just … open it, okay?”

It was a ring. A thin silver band, plain and unadorned. Blaine stared at it, and then looked up at Kurt.

“I want you to have something that you can wear all the time,” Kurt said. “So you can remember … even when I’m not right beside you, I’m always there with you. I always love you, and I want you to be able to remind yourself of it just by looking down at your hand. That’s all.”

“Kurt … You didn’t need to …” Blaine saw a flicker of uncertainty cross Kurt’s face. This was for Kurt as much as for him, Blaine realized. It wasn’t just a gift, and it wasn’t entirely to help Blaine feel confident about the relationship. It was also so Kurt could feel more certain that Blaine wouldn’t stray again. Blaine was sure he wouldn’t, there was no way he’d put them both through that again. But Kurt was just as nervous about this whole thing as Blaine was, for different reasons. Blaine had to accept this ring. Of course he wanted to anyway, but it clearly meant as much to Kurt as it did to him, and he couldn’t let him down.

“I know you can’t afford this,” Blaine finished lamely, feeling the need to make at least some kind of polite objection.

Kurt waved his hand as if it were nothing, hiding all the doubt that Blaine had seen in that instant. “It’s a simple silver band, it’s not that expensive. I could have gotten a better deal if I’d shopped around, I’m sure, but I kind of needed it right now. So, don’t worry about it. Your engagement ring will be _much_ nicer, I promise.”

“My … what?” Blaine blinked in astonishment.

Kurt giggled. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay?”

Blaine nodded. “Which finger am I supposed to wear this on?”

“Whichever you like.”

Blaine hesitated, and then slid the ring onto the ring finger of his right hand. “This way I won’t have to take it off when I get that engagement ring,” he said jokingly.

“Good plan,” Kurt said, and Blaine raised an eyebrow at the serious tone of his voice. Kurt looked down and picked up his coffee again, breaking the eye contact that had suddenly become a bit too intense.

Blaine looked at his hand resting on the table. The silver band looked like it belonged there. The way he and Kurt belonged together, here in New York, sitting in a coffee shop. The feel of the metal pressing against his finger seemed to ground him, make him feel a bit more steady. He looked up at Kurt.

“I still worry …” Blaine struggled to put it into words. “I don’t know. One minute everything seems perfect between us, like right now, and then the next minute I think I’m about to screw it all up again.”

Kurt nodded and gave him an encouraging smile. “I know what you mean. But I think we’re figuring out how to do this again, a little bit at a time. They say relationships take work. I didn’t quite understand what that meant, before now.”

“You think we’re going to make it?” Blaine asked. He bit his lip. He hadn’t meant to say it outright like that.

“I really think we are,” Kurt said. He reached across the table and took Blaine’s hand, the one with the ring on it, running his thumb over the metal band. It felt comforting to Blaine. Peaceful.

Blaine nodded slowly. “I think so too.”


End file.
